Play #1: Stand

[JEREMY stands at center stage on one leg and hops in place with a backpack on his back. A moment passes. Our second character DRAKE walks out. DRAKE is at first oblivious to the sight next to him. He stops and looks at JEREMY like he’s crazy.]

DRAKE:
Jeremy what the hell are you doing?

JEREMY:
Well Drake I’m, hopping I thought that was pretty obvious.

DRAKE:
And you just woke up in the mood to try something new?

JEREMY:
No actually.

[JEREMY Struggles to get bag off shoulder, switches foot he’s hopping on. Pulls book from bag and tosses it to DRAKE]

DRAKE:
“The Guiness Book Of World Records”? I haven’t seen one of these in years.

JEREMY:
I’m trying to break the world record for most consecutive hours spent hopping on one foot.

DRAKE: (Flipping through book)
A record currently held by Jack Rivers of Shaboigen, Wisconsin.

JEREMY: (Reverently)
The hopping king himself

DRAKE: (Gesturing to Book)
And why, may I ask, have you taken it upon yourself to join this bunch of inbred lunatics in eternal glory?

JEREMY:
I was doing my history homework last night, when I got really depressed.

DRAKE:
American History has that effect.

JEREMY:
But it made me realize that everything, I mean everything, is impermanent.

DRAKE: (Smirking)
And so you decided to build a legacy for future generations by hopping?

JEREMY:
More or less

DRAKE:
Why not cure cancer or land on mars? Why hopping?

JEREMY:
I think you’re missing the beauty of the Guiness Book Of World Records. Ordinarily immortality is reserved for the best and brightest, the over achieving type. Here utterly talentless freaks can go down in history for performing useless tasks over and over again.

DRAKE: (While Reading)
And holding 109 angry bees in your mouth apparently. That has to make an interesting police report.

JEREMY:
Don’t forget unhooking 42 bras in a minute.

DRAKE:
Well persistence is a virtue I guess.

[There is a pause as DRAKE looks at the book and then back at JEREMY. He sighs and starts hopping in the same manner as JEREMY]

DRAKE:
So how long do we have to do this for?

JEREMY:
What do you mean we?

DRAKE:
You seemed pretty set on it, and I figured “What the hell?” might as well join in.

JEREMY:
Drake you’re totally missing the point! This is a solo journey, a quest for individual greatness, a just-me-opportunity to reach the Valhalla of our day and age.

DRAKE:
Well fine, you’re going to have to beat me then!

[DRAKE begins hopping faster]

JEREMY:
Calm yourself, your just going to tire out like that. It’s all about keeping yourself calm and conserving your energy.

[DRAKE Slows down to JEREMY’s pace]

JEREMY:
And then making sure you keep yourself alert!

[JEREMY hops towards DRAKE]

DRAKE:
What the hell are you doing?!

JEREMY:
Nipping this Freudian attempt at usurping me in the bud you traitor!

DRAKE: (Hopping in the opposite direction)
Are you crazy? You’re resorting to violence with me, your best friend since birth, over a hopping contest.

JEREMY:
See when you say it, it sounds like a bad thing.

[As DRAKE’s Panic Grows. Their tempo of back and forth increases dramatically]

DRAKE:
It is a bad thing! I mean hell, we never fight! I just make sarcastic yet loving quips and you retort with outlandish humor. We’re yin and yang man! We’re pretty much Batman and Robin!

JEREMY:
If that wasn’t a long string of homoerotic innuendo then I don’t know what is.

DRAKE:
Oh come on not this again.

JEREMY:
Seriously Drake, the man lives in a dark cave with a boy half his age, he dresses the kid in neon spandex, slides up and down poles and they call each other “Good Chum”. It’s practically the freaking Cirque Du Soleil.

[DRAKE stops hopping]

DRAKE:
Why do all your arguments somehow deteriorate into debates about the sex habits of superheroes?

JEREMY:
That’s it!

[JEREMY finally catches up to DRAKE. They bump into each other and both fall over. The two pick themselves up and don’t look at each other]

DRAKE:
Well that was ultimately pointless.

JEREMY:
You’re telling me! Now we have to start all over again.

[JEREMY starts hopping again]

DRAKE:
I lied about the persistence thing, it’s also a virtue to learn when to quit.

JEREMY:
Oh come on, don’t get like that.

DRAKE:
Get like what?

JEREMY:
Every time I try to have a conversation with you, I back you in to the proverbial corner with my razor wit and then you come in with you’re preaching.

DRAKE:
First off, you hopped into me in a violent manner. That has never been done before. Ever. Kangaroos haven’t even done that. Second, I do not preach, I make commentary with zeal.

JEREMY:
Just calling the kettle black.

DRAKE:
Calling the kettle black? Who says that? Actually who tries to hop his way into the Guiness Book of World Records?

JEREMY:
Just you, me and David Menan of Red Bank New Jersey. He holds the record for longest distance tap danced, 32 miles.

[DRAKE chuckles]

DRAKE:
Just like everything else in life tap dancing is merely a primitive, degenerate form of hopping.

JEREMY:
What?

DRAKE:
Oh come on, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed! We all spend lives trying to balance so many responsibilities and other such shit that we wind up hopping on one foot for the majority of our time on earth.

JEREMY:
That is the biggest load I have ever heard in my life.

DRAKE:
Just stop and think about it and tell me I’m wrong. Take right now for example. You’re entire concept here is that you’re going to be remembered forever by breaking someone else’s world record.

JEREMY:
I think I’ve made that painfully clear.

DRAKE: (Touching His Shoulder and shifting)
Ironic word choice .

JEREMY:
Sorry, You were saying

DRAKE:
The point is that it’s a cycle. It’s only a matter of time before someone breaks your record too and tramples over your legacy.

JEREMY:
But I’ve got the makings of a prodigy, I was hopping for hours and hours before you showed up. Hard work and Determination are the requirements of being a champion.

DRAKE: (Sighs while pinching bridge of nose)
In the form of after school special worthy ethics, you’re struggling to maintain a connection to the world around you. Steroids and trust funds make winners, nothing else. It’s not about feeding yourself back into the world, its about standing up, its about fighting for a cause, earning a place to call your own.

[JEREMY looks at DRAKE for a moment and then stops hopping]

JEREMY:
I think it’s about time I stood on my own two feet again.

DRAKE:
Agreed

JEREMY:
There’s just one thing that bothers me about all this

DRAKE:
What?

JEREMY:
How were you able to come up with that pretentious a metaphor in the last few seconds?

DRAKE:
Pure talent.

JEREMY:
Looks like your ego survived our little adventure

DRAKE:
And thank god for that.

[There is a pause. Awkwardly DRAKE attempts to leave]

JEREMY:
Wait!

DRAKE:
What?

JEREMY:
Why does the futility of your own existence not drive your crazy?

DRAKE:
Who's to say it hasn’t?

JEREMY:
You know what I mean

DRAKE:
A legacy isn’t some great feat, or a monument to your own glory. It’s being able to look back and say “The People I cared about are not thrown into violent fits of projectile vomiting by my memory”.

[JEREMY looks shaken]

JEREMY:
That’s neither uplifting nor sanitary.

DRAKE:
What is these days?

JEREMY:
So all of it, was for nothing?

DRAKE:
What?

JEREMY:
In the end this entire conversation was meaningless.

[DRAKE and JEREMY walk off]

DRAKE:
That’s actually somewhat standard for us.

[END]